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"I'm abandoning treatment." Zhou Ning, a junior high school student's parent, told a China Youth Daily · China Youth Net reporter.
It was her daughter who made Zhou Ning make this decision.
Zhou Ning's daughter has been studying well from elementary school to junior high school, but just before the last "monthly exam" was about to come, when her review was in full swing, her daughter suddenly collapsed: unable to continue reviewing, unable to complete homework on time, and unable to open the textbook … "When she looked at her homework book and asked me to call the class teacher to drop out of school, I suddenly realized that the" children were forced to be tired of studying "on the Internet. Zhou Ning said.
Zhou Ning resolutely asked the child's class teacher and grade leader to explain the situation, and first asked the child for a month's leave.
Zhou Ning passed the road of "knowledge to change destiny" when he was admitted to Beijing from a county in the south during the college entrance examination and stayed at a good university in Beijing to teach after graduation. Although there is no longer a strong need to change the fate of the daughter generation, Zhou Ning's motivation to motivate children to work hard does not seem to have diminished at all. From elementary school to middle school, other children in extra-curricular classes Zhou Ning gave their daughters It was reported that in order to plan her daughter's study, Zhou Ning formulated a careful annual plan, monthly plan, weekly plan, and daily plan for her daughter. Even so, Zhou Ning still had a strong sense of crisis, and always felt that her daughter had a group of " There is a group of "chaser" behind the "leader", which is reassuring.
In fact, there are not many parents with this anxiety, because there are two educational "despise chains" in the majority of Chinese parents, either implicitly or implicitly, one is regional: Beishangguang> Southeastern developed cities> Central developed cities ＞ Northwestern cities ＞ Rural areas ＞ Remote mountainous areas; there is also a university: a famous foreign university / Qingbei ＞ 985/211 ＞ General undergraduate courses ＞ Higher vocational / college. With these two "chains of contempt", there will be a sense of crisis no matter where you are. Therefore, Zhou Ning's anxiety can be seen everywhere in Chinese parents, and the most obvious manifestation of this anxiety is like Zhou Ning's " Chicken baby. " (Chicken baby, network noun, is to beat the chicken blood to the child, in order for the child to read a good book, and constantly arrange learning and activities for the child, keep the child to fight hard.-Reporter Note)
The reporter learned in the interview that as more and more Chinese parents flooded into the "chicken baby" team, some parents are quietly trying to give up, although many of them are passive like Zhou Ning To choose to give up. However, it is always a good thing for children to be able to escape from the "chicken baby" queue.
Because, the bow is easy to fold. The child's potential is limited, and more importantly, each child's time is limited. When the child's time is occupied by learning to the maximum, there will always be unbearable times.
Give up high expectations
But isn't "abandonment" a cure?
Zhou Ning had this feeling after asking her daughter for two weeks. Since she really chose to give up, Zhou Ning took off the "day plan", "week plan", and "month plan" from the wall, "first let her daughter enjoy a few days of 'sleeping and waking up naturally'". Zhou Ning said that in fact before her daughter's collapse came, she had discovered some clues. As the junior high school pressure increased, besides Zhou Ning's urging, her daughter also put a lot of pressure on her. After 12 o'clock in the evening Sleeping becomes commonplace.
Since the third grade, Zhou Ning found that the expression on her daughter's face was much richer, and then she observed carefully that her daughter always twitched her nose and opened her mouth from time to time, and these movements seemed to be uncontrolled, even when she was doing her homework quietly , Also often appear. Zhou Ning checked it online, this is a tic disorder, which appears in adolescents and children, mostly because of nervousness.
Therefore, Zhou Ning decided to take this leave to take her daughter to the nearby provinces to relax and go to see a psychiatrist.
Zhou Ning planned and implemented this way. As a result, I did not expect that after such a day passed, my daughter's fluctuating mood was calm. Without the supervision of the schedule, she read and studied daily by herself, and asked her classmates' progress in the school from time to time. Fill in the content. "You don't have to push me, instead she works hard." Zhou Ning said.
It should be said that Zhou Ning was lucky. His daughter showed up immediately when she was psychologically unwell, giving Zhou Ning the opportunity to choose to give up.
Some netizens summarized the "ten knives" that hurt children the most in modern family education, and the very famous one was called "Too Many Expectations".
Once, "expectation" was a bowl of "chicken soup" given to parents by many experts. Many experts pointed out that when children do not pack their toys after playing, parents do not need to criticize but can switch to this method: "My baby will be the most classified Toys can be sorted and collected after playing. "When children do not eat vegetables, parents can also say:" My baby is the least picky. "...
However, when this expectation is beyond the child's tolerance, and even the parents' unfulfilled wishes are placed on the child, this kind of expectation with "private goods" will turn into a "knife" that hurts the child, making it difficult for the child Burden.
Beijing's junior middle school student Jiaxuan attends a good middle school. The smart, active, and enthusiastic Jiaxuan runs very fast, but his academic performance is not very good, and he is always ranked in the last 30 of the year. Jiaxuan told his mother many times that he hoped to join the school track and field team, but his mother Jinyang always disagreed.
"Once I joined the track and field team and train every day, my son's learning will not be able to keep up. I didn't think that the children must be particularly good, as long as they are not worse than the two of us." Jin Yang said.
So what is Jinyang's "don't be worse than the two of us" standard?
Jiaxuan's father was always called a child prodigy during school. At the time of the college entrance examination, he was the top mathematics student in the province. Jinyang was a Beijing girl who was born and raised in the country, and her path to school was also “Famous School”.
With such high expectations, how can Jiaxuan move forward easily?
Need not be perfect
Recently, another parent became the focus of the media because he accompanied his child to do his homework.
A dad in Shanghai threw the child to the train station late at night and gave the child a bowl for begging. Later, I learned through media interviews that the father always received complaints from the teacher because the child often did not do his homework, which eventually caused his father to get out of control and threw the child to the train station.
"A lot of parents are anxious when tutoring homework, because you think this question is easy, the child should be able to do it, but he can't do it, this is the most popular." Fudan University Social Development and Public Shen Yifei, an associate professor of the School of Policy, said this at a family education forum held recently.
If you observe carefully, you will find that there are usually two situations when you do homework with your children. One is to do homework with elementary school students. It does n’t take too long for contradictions to break out. It ’s often the parents that lose control of their emotions. Conflicts with middle school students may not occur immediately, but once conflicts break out, they often have more serious consequences.
Given the difficulty of school education today, most parents are more confident only in front of primary school work, can be all-powerful, authoritative, and are a perfect existence. In middle school, with the increase of children's academic difficulties, many parents are no longer able to counsel their children.
This is a normal phenomenon, because no one is perfect, this should be common sense. But in real life, there are often some middle school student parents who can't let go of their "perfect" figure, but become more passive in the process of educating their children.
Shanghai parent Liu Fang has a son who is in junior high school. Recently, Liu Fang is struggling with his son's use of mobile phones and games. In order to better monitor his son, Liu Fang stipulated that he could not take his mobile phone into his room while doing his homework.
However, Liu Fang also has a hobby and loves chasing dramas. In order to motivate his son, Liu Fang promised that he would not read a book when he did his homework.
Therefore, every time his son did his homework, Liu Fang read a book in the living room.
In the first few days, both of them persisted well. The first one to violate the rules was Liu Fang. One day, Liu rest assured that he could not let go of the drama he was chasing, he quietly turned on the TV, turned the sound to a minimum, put the remote control at his side, and listened to the movement of his son's room at any time, as long as he heard his son's footsteps. Turn off the TV with the remote immediately.
After a few more days like this, Liu Fang also relaxed a little. Once, Liu Fang's action was slightly slower. Although the TV was turned off when the son came out, the remote control was still in his hand.
"I knew you were watching TV every day. Are you so interesting?" After saying this, the son went back to the room. After that, he never performed the request of Liu Fang to control the mobile phone.
Many experts point out that an important principle in the process of educating children is to be consistent in words and deeds. Liu Fang failed to keep his promises. There is actually another reason behind this, Liu Fang was unwilling to admit his imperfections.
In an interview with a reporter, the principal of a primary school in Chaoyang District, Beijing once said, "Every parent has an ideal child in his heart. When the actual child is not the ideal, parents cannot accept it." In fact, each Parents also have an ideal parent in their minds. They also hope to become such an ideal parent. When they can't, they will find ways to make up for it.
However, things that cannot be done have to be done, of course, the force will be too strong and the action will be deformed.
Beijing's Mr. Wen also encountered a situation similar to Liu Fang's: he couldn't control his son's mobile phone.
The difference is that Mr. Wen let go of himself.
"Everything I tried, I give up now." Mr. Wen said, "I suddenly wanted to open, why do I always have to give my child positive energy, why can't I play with mobile phones, why can't children play with mobile phones, we Why can't the two play on the phone together for a while? "
After no longer being a "perfect dad", Mr. Wen no longer forced the children. The bottom line he gave was: as long as he doesn't break the law and not grow old, it doesn't matter if he is good or not good in the future.
What Mr. Wen didn't expect is that his own change also brought about his son's change: "He will discuss with me before playing the mobile phone, discuss the time, and then do it."
In fact, Mr. Wen, who seems to be "abandoning therapy," is holding the general direction. "Not breaking the law" means abiding by the law and being moral, and "not being old" means being able to rely on oneself and have skills. Such a child may not be able to accomplish a great cause in the future, but he can become a good citizen. If there is another interesting soul, this life is also very good.
Edit: Zhang Chi